Dear Diary,
It has been a while since I have written. Life has been busy. Every once in a while, some thoughts come together and I feel like sharing them here. This post has as much to do about Ashtanga as it does about me. It’s a little bit about my personal practice path, how it shapes me and vice versa.
When I started practising Ashtanga yoga, my purpose was very different from today. I pushed past my limits, got angry with myself, ignored the signs. The ice I had built up around myself started to melt though, and it quickly became obvious that this wasn’t sustainable. An awareness arose and it had to be acknowledged. It was arduous, but I did. And still do.
As the years have gone by, my life has had countless ups and downs. I have felt strong and I have felt weak, both mentally and physically and in all different ways, the pendulum has swung repeatedly. If only words could really communicate the depth of emotions we are capable of experiencing.
Through all of it, I practiced. I got on my mat and reveled in the exhilaration of energy and synergy within. I got on my mat and felt the pain while breathing into my anxious mind or aching heart. Sometimes I gloriously caught my heels in kapo, others I barely bent back and could not go any further. But still, I practiced. The movement, the breath, the grounding, the opening, it has always supported me. It has lifted me up, or humbled me or at least just held me where I was.
After all this time, my practice continues to transform. Now I mostly practice alone. For now, this is what feels right. And I practice for many reasons – for the love of it, the familiarity, the discipline, the ability to feel deep within my body, to see how my mind is doing, but mostly to just be me. I no longer push when my heart hurts, or berate myself for not doing enough. I breathe and I work. Each pose, though I might have done it thousands of times, can feel so good sometimes and so shitty at others. The wave of sensations can be be incredibly variable from day to day. A metaphor for what is life and a challenge in so many different ways.
The thing is, it is always enough. Whatever I can do, wherever my mind is, when I get on my mat and breathe, I let go of the expectations and my practice meets me where I am. It doesn’t judge me, and I surrender to this for myself. It hasn’t always been this way. It was not available to me, by way of self-limiting absurdities. But it is now, and I am grateful.
It’s easy to get lost in the multitudinous responsibilities of life. To put it bluntly, it is just plain hard to navigate the world sometimes. But my practice is always there. It has become an extension of me and I have never wanted to leave it for long.
If there is a message in all of this, it would be to find that “thing” that seems to just naturally arrange space expressly for you. Something that intuitively nurtures your soul and lets you feel. A place just for you. There is nowhere that feels more real, or reliable and genuine of a place to listen and heal than within.
With that, I sign off with the very best wishes. To living life, to healing and of course, to Love.
Best wishes,
Lisa
My So-Called Yoga Life 