Dear Diary,
I’ve spent lots of time thinking about my place in this world. Our experiences, sometimes traumatic, sometimes transformative, shape the ways we interact with the world around us. Some of the patterns we develop are protective, others defensive, and still others emerge from our efforts to break free from the patterns we’ve come to recognize in ourselves. Each of us experiences and understands life through a perspective uniquely shaped by our own experiences and personalities.
In my personal journey, finding activities that allowed me to be physically active was when I truly felt I could express myself freely. Through movement, I could feel into deeper places within myself and experience something that words and conventional communication could never fully describe.
When I discovered Ashtanga yoga, the combination of breath, ethical principles for how we treat ourselves and others, the physical practice of asana and the exploration of the mind were a sort of jackpot. These aspects of yoga offered me ways to explore myself that I hadn’t experienced before.
Through yoga, I’ve learned the value of turning my attention inward. Practices like Pratyahara where we attempt to withdraw our senses from external distraction and Dharana which is the practice of sustained concentration could be found through my asana practice. Finding them has given me space to observe, reflect and understand aspects of myself that I might have otherwise overlooked.
The things I’ve discovered about myself and the ways I’ve worked to address them have contributed to a deepening awareness. I’ve spent years searching for ways to improve myself, to better understand how I show up for others, to consider people and situations from as many perspectives as I can imagine and to discover what is truly important to me.
I’m also beginning to understand that self-awareness without self-acceptance can become an endless process of self-correction. The more we learn about ourselves, the more we may find to question, examine and maybe even criticize. But does every discovery require change? Does recognizing an imperfection mean that we must work to overcome it?
In Patanjali’s Yoga Sūtras, there is discussion about an awareness that observes without becoming entangled in the fluctuations of the mind. It makes me wonder, maybe I’ve spent so much time examining what I see within myself that I’ve forgotten what it means to simply be the observer. To recognize what arises within me without attaching a need to change anything.
This doesn’t mean ignoring the parts of myself that genuinely deserve attention. Rather it is to recognize that growth doesn’t always have to begin with the belief that something is wrong.
I believe deeply in the value of self-reflection and developing awareness.
But I feel tired.
Not of growing or learning, but of approaching myself as though there’s usually something to be fixed.
What about enjoying who I am now more?
What about Santosha?
In yoga philosophy, Santosha is the practice of cultivating contentment with what is, rather than constantly seeking something different. It doesn’t ask us to abandon growth or curiosity, but maybe it’s more of an invitation to learn that contentment and growth can exist together.
My journey has been fruitful, but I believe it has lacked balance.
I cannot change the past, and I don’t want to spend too much time worrying about the future. The meaning of the present moment has taken on yet another layer for me.
I want to experience what it feels like to be here more, in this place of knowing and recognizing myself. Not with conceit or arrogance but with humility, gratitude for everything that has shaped me and forgiveness too.
Maybe I can continue learning, exploring and growing without approaching myself as someone who needs to be improved.
Maybe the real question I have been sitting with is – Can we continue to grow without believing that who we are today is somehow incomplete?
And with that, I will end this entry.
Love,
Lisa
